Huddled at the end of platform 4, Doncaster station are a group of odd looking men. A gaggle of ill-fitting jeans, unknowingly retro sportswear present whatever the weather and bedecked with binoculars, Dictaphones and notepads. The thing about trainspotters is that they are pretty much just a concentrated version of everyman. Eventually all men reach a certain age where they begin to develop an unhealthy fascination in one area. It may be trains, it may be cars, it may be birds, it may even be a personal quest to make the council alter that incorrect road sign by the roundabout. Now I am nearer thirty than twenty I am becoming one of these men and I believe I have identified the object of my odd fascination; I think its the England football team.
To me the England football team is becoming the equivalent of a roadside fire on the opposite carriageway of a motorway. I know it has nothing to do with me and it won't affect me in anyway, but I still can't fight the urge to slow down and have a bloody good gawp. They have a wealth of talented players led by a succession of (Steve McClaren and Kevin Keegan aside) established managers and yet thanks to weighty and often unrealistic expectations they never quite hit it off; if they were a band they would have split up over musical differences round about 1973.
The latest reason to stare across the central reservation comes from England's stand in captain Rio Ferdinand. (As a brief aside has anyone else noticed how Rio's lips appear to be moving completely independent of his body, flapping around like a couple of caterpillars clinging to a leaf in a strong breeze) Speaking at a press conference earlier Rio confirmed what many of us had known for a long time of the England squad's reputation under previous managers. "We became a bit of a circus, in terms of the whole WAG situation," he told the assembled journalists, and Ray Stubbs.
The 'circus' atmosphere at England team get-togethers had been a well known problem amongst many insiders, even before mobile phone footage of Victoria Beckham and Cheryl Cole performing a trapeze act in the dining hall at Bisham Abbey made it onto YouTube. This was at a time when reports had begun to appear in the tabloids about Alex Curran's irritating habit of clumsily wandering round the team hotel and making quick changes of direction whilst carrying a particularly long plank of wood. And of course their had long been pressure from the FA preventing the media from publishing stories about Colleen McLoughlin having to subdue husband Wayne Rooney using a whip and a dining room chair.
Although Rio was quick to criticise the circus nature of the England teams wives and girlfriends the players themselves were not without exception, with David Beckham regularly arriving for training on the back of an elephant whilst simultaneously spinning a couple of plates. The final straw for all came in England's defeat against Croatia last Autumn when physio Gary Lewin went on to treat Joe Cole only to find that his medical bag was filled with confetti. This incident capped a woeful night for England which had begun when the entire squad arrived at Wembley crammed inside an old jalopy which subsequently fell apart as it parked inside the stadium, with Steve McClaren left standing forlorn in a pair of over-sized shoes and trousers clutching a useless car door
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Kazahk-Slam
Its be applauded for standing up in the middle of a circle of stacking chairs in a drafty community hall confession time. Everyone, I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all that I don't support the England national football team. No, my national allegiancies lie with Wales, when people ask why I tell them its because I'm a glory-hunter. Rather than tread that path now I will stick with the originally vague subject matter; I don't support England. And the key upshot of this is that when I do watch them I can be assured that I am one of the few people doing so able to watch the match subjectively.
The general rule of thumb for the media in past years was that sports coverage was done with equal objectivity. In the past it would have been Kazkhstan and England, the blues and the whites; now its very much 'us' and 'them'. We are presumed to share the same goals and so ITV's lengthy preamble can begin with Steve Ryder eulogising on how "we are all hoping". On a brief tangent ITV also began with a highlight reel of England's great football moments from the past forty years, only there was something not quite right. It looked like those famous moments, but it sounded a bit odd. It was like one of those odd feeds you often get on satellite television or copied DVDs when the sound is just a fraction of a second out and so characters no longer look like they are talking in their normal voice.
It took me a while to register that the reason for this unfamiliar feeling was of course that they were ITV's highlights. So no "What a save... Gordon Banks" from David Coleman... no faded "Sheringham... Sh--rer" from John Motson... and no "They think its all over..." from Kenneth Wolstenholme. This was ITV's England history, and like a long lost communist dictatorship any trace of the dissenters had long since been erased.
Neatly back to the subject in point, and thankfully there was no danger of the BBC lazily stereotyping Kazakhstan as a long lost communist dictatorship. Although that is essentially because on Football Focus they had elected for the even lazier option of a succession of poor 'Borat' character impersonations, with messrs Keown, Lawrenson and Ferdinand spending more time analysing a luminous mankini than any of the Kazahk players. Is this not the national media whose purpose is to inform? How hard would it have been for just one of the threesome named above to have maybe done some sort of research for their job? Instead Kazakhstan were dismissed as 'minnows' by Mark Lawrenson, and on ITV Clive Tyldsley heralded the squad of 'virtual unknowns'.
Although I am not an England fan I am by no-means anti-England. However, Saturday's match became an exception. Not because of any angst against the over-paid players, the wasted talent, or the reactionary fanbase. No I cheered for Kazakhstan simply because Lawrenson, Tyldsley and co. are too lazy to even spend half an hour googling 'Kazakhstan football'.
The general rule of thumb for the media in past years was that sports coverage was done with equal objectivity. In the past it would have been Kazkhstan and England, the blues and the whites; now its very much 'us' and 'them'. We are presumed to share the same goals and so ITV's lengthy preamble can begin with Steve Ryder eulogising on how "we are all hoping". On a brief tangent ITV also began with a highlight reel of England's great football moments from the past forty years, only there was something not quite right. It looked like those famous moments, but it sounded a bit odd. It was like one of those odd feeds you often get on satellite television or copied DVDs when the sound is just a fraction of a second out and so characters no longer look like they are talking in their normal voice.
It took me a while to register that the reason for this unfamiliar feeling was of course that they were ITV's highlights. So no "What a save... Gordon Banks" from David Coleman... no faded "Sheringham... Sh--rer" from John Motson... and no "They think its all over..." from Kenneth Wolstenholme. This was ITV's England history, and like a long lost communist dictatorship any trace of the dissenters had long since been erased.
Neatly back to the subject in point, and thankfully there was no danger of the BBC lazily stereotyping Kazakhstan as a long lost communist dictatorship. Although that is essentially because on Football Focus they had elected for the even lazier option of a succession of poor 'Borat' character impersonations, with messrs Keown, Lawrenson and Ferdinand spending more time analysing a luminous mankini than any of the Kazahk players. Is this not the national media whose purpose is to inform? How hard would it have been for just one of the threesome named above to have maybe done some sort of research for their job? Instead Kazakhstan were dismissed as 'minnows' by Mark Lawrenson, and on ITV Clive Tyldsley heralded the squad of 'virtual unknowns'.
Although I am not an England fan I am by no-means anti-England. However, Saturday's match became an exception. Not because of any angst against the over-paid players, the wasted talent, or the reactionary fanbase. No I cheered for Kazakhstan simply because Lawrenson, Tyldsley and co. are too lazy to even spend half an hour googling 'Kazakhstan football'.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Land of the Free
On the radio yesterday one fan said of the influx of foreign owners; "something needs to be done before the Premiership ends up like American Football". Although his words were surely meant to bring up some horrific image of multiple advertising breaks and the blood-curdling thought of half-time shows, I for one was left thinking, 'would that really be so bad?'
American Football, with all its padding and its multiple in game stoppages is often held up by fans of the other football as some sort of nightmarish image of what might be. But is it really such a terrifying prospect? And is it that far removed from what we have now? Cheerleaders and additional sponsorship opportunities have slowly crept into British football about as subtly as Wyle E Coyote sneaking up on Roadrunner in the desert like mid-west dressed as a shrub. At St Andrews earlier this season the PA announcer was happy to tell all that the opening substitution was brought to us in association with some local building firm or another, as if James McFadden would have struggled to locate the pitch without the aid of Brown's Scaffolding.
The main difference between American Football's head table and the top of the Premier League is that the former is still a very competitive division. In the past decade fifteen different teams have contested the Superbowl, while in the same period of time only seven different sides have occupied the top four places in the Premier League, and bear in mind two of those seven are Newcastle (2003 and 04) and Leeds United (1999-2001). A frightening thought.
American Football may not have the historical community roots of its British counterpart, but its modern corporate owners recognise the need for competition. The league controls all marketing rights, and so though the Dallas Cowboys may have a much more global appeal than say the Tenessee Titans, it doesn't mean they will be able to so easily transfer this popularity into income, and subsequently higher earning players. Similarly the draft system also helps regenerate the balance as the lowest ranked teams from the previous year get to pick first from amongst the upcoming College players.
The Premier League is so far removed from the rest of British football now that a complete switch over to a franchised league controlled existence looks much the better option. It may be against the history of the British game and all it was established for, but at least I wouldn't feel as compelled to turn off the television when it came on.
American Football, with all its padding and its multiple in game stoppages is often held up by fans of the other football as some sort of nightmarish image of what might be. But is it really such a terrifying prospect? And is it that far removed from what we have now? Cheerleaders and additional sponsorship opportunities have slowly crept into British football about as subtly as Wyle E Coyote sneaking up on Roadrunner in the desert like mid-west dressed as a shrub. At St Andrews earlier this season the PA announcer was happy to tell all that the opening substitution was brought to us in association with some local building firm or another, as if James McFadden would have struggled to locate the pitch without the aid of Brown's Scaffolding.
The main difference between American Football's head table and the top of the Premier League is that the former is still a very competitive division. In the past decade fifteen different teams have contested the Superbowl, while in the same period of time only seven different sides have occupied the top four places in the Premier League, and bear in mind two of those seven are Newcastle (2003 and 04) and Leeds United (1999-2001). A frightening thought.
American Football may not have the historical community roots of its British counterpart, but its modern corporate owners recognise the need for competition. The league controls all marketing rights, and so though the Dallas Cowboys may have a much more global appeal than say the Tenessee Titans, it doesn't mean they will be able to so easily transfer this popularity into income, and subsequently higher earning players. Similarly the draft system also helps regenerate the balance as the lowest ranked teams from the previous year get to pick first from amongst the upcoming College players.
The Premier League is so far removed from the rest of British football now that a complete switch over to a franchised league controlled existence looks much the better option. It may be against the history of the British game and all it was established for, but at least I wouldn't feel as compelled to turn off the television when it came on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)