Frankly Exorbitant

I am an educated man, but I would very much like to punch Frank Lampard in the face. Daily. I make no apologies for this irrational desire, mainly because it’s not irrational. It started with that horrific advert for The Sun (“there are Supergoals like this”) when even in the world of professional footballers Lampard managed to sound remarkably dumb, and continued in ascendency this week when I found out just how much the man earns.

During the Chelsea, Portsmouth match at the weekend the commentators made a worryingly blasé reference to Lampard’s pay packet of £34million over five years. A figure as staggering as it is ludicrous. If I were to pay a footballer that much money then I would demand goals. Not just one or two a game, but for £34million I would expect a goal every time that player touched the ball. If so much as a defensive header failed to fly into the top corner I’d be demanding my money back.

Footballers used to justify their high earnings with the facts that their careers were comparatively shorter than the average worker. A fact I don’t dispute. However such are Lampard’s earnings that his career could last less than a month and he would be set for life. And thus comes another reason for a well delivered right hook; when this contract was finalised Lampard had the cheek to say; “...there has been a bit of a compromise on both sides”. Presumably initial talks broke down after Roman Abramovich failed to purchase both the moon and a particularly large stick.

Can a week’s worth of a game such as football really be worth as much as six years of being a doctor? I don’t like to brag, but I’m particularly handy at Guess Who (so much so that, owing to a triumphant identification of Pete with eight cards remaining, my girlfriend refuses to play me again), and as anyone knows the board game playing circuit is notoriously short (involving just family Christmases, rain soaked holidays in a static caravan, and chance finds during a house clearance). However, even when you take into account the potential repetitive finger strain injuries, I wouldn’t have the gall to demand a bigger pay packet than a nurse for my illustrious MB Games career.

To gain even more annoyance at Frank Lampard’s earnings you simply need to cast a look at the foot of the English League Two table. AFC Bournemouth, Luton Town and Rotherham United occupy the bottom three places thanks to a cumulative starting total of minus sixty-four points. The majority of these point deductions could have been avoided with just a week’s earnings of Fat (Cat) Frank. If this much money must exist in football then surely the plight of three community football clubs should be more deserving than one irritating midfielder.