Lines in the Sand

Like 1990s Childrens television favourites Bodger and Badger sport and politics ‘are never far away’. Not so much hurling mashed potato at an uppity landlady, but certainly getting into general mischief together whilst one has its hand firmly up the arse of the other. Be it in positive terms, such as the infamous ‘ping-pong’ diplomacy that warmed relations between the USA and China in the 1970s or in negative like the infamous war between Honduras and El Salvador which was sparked after a World Cup qualifier.

Far from this being a phenomenon of a simpler age, I believe that this interaction can only get stronger, particularly given the amount of money governments now plough into achieving sporting success, or hosting events such as the Olympics, and equally how much they invest in their armed forces. Why fund two operations when one can serve both purposes? In a world governed by PR and spin surely it’s only a matter of time before the slogan Medals Good; Air Strikes Bad reaches the Government Communications offices of the world and a nation gathers its generals into the war briefing room to listen to the spiel of some over paid PR consultant.

“I hear what you’re saying gentlemen, but I’m sure you’ll agree tanks and helicopters present a very old fashioned image of war. Dying children is not the image we want here. Ninety per cent of those we surveyed said they would not support a dictatorship that committed genocide, however eighty per cent were prepared to forego their basic human rights for a regime with a catchy theme tune, ideally ‘something by the Pussycat Dolls and a political broadcast featuring David Beckham. We need to show the people we’re in tune with the present, that we’re as hip as the hippest demographic”.

And before you know it trenches have been swapped for fine sand, peacekeepers traded for dancing girls, the sound of helicopters and artillery exchanged for generic pop music blasts and heavily armed soldiers replaced by athletic women in bikinis. And so there you have it, today’s womens beach volleyball match in Beijing between Georgia and Russia was the South Ossesian conflict of ten years from now.

Faced with the choice of footage of horrific shell damage to civilian buildings or a bespectacled Chinese man dancing in the stands to the Las Ketchup Song it doesn’t make me feel any less human to say I’d take option two... every time. The future of political peace does not lie in the corridors of the UN, it stands here, wearing very little, dusting sand from firm tanned buttocks in gratuitous slow motion.